I am your dirty king

Remind me again why I never wanted to turn twenty? You wouldn't know, obviously. Considering I haven't left a message on this blog for more than a year. Shame on me. Allow me to explain. I never wanted to turn twenty because it's an even number and I hate even numbers. And because twenty just sounds way old and I wanted to be forever young, that kind of stuff. And because I had the bizarre idea that I would die should I ever turn twenty. I was even planning on skipping my 20th birthday. No, I don't know why I thought I would die. And no, I don't know why I hate even numbers either. It's just one of those things. Like secretly still liking the Backstreet Boys and carrying dice around with me everywhere I go. One of those strange inexplicable trivialities that make us who we are.

But of course the inevitable happened: I did turn twenty. I didn't die, I didn't get wrinkles all over my body, and I felt more or less the same. I say 'more or less' because we never truly are exactly the same, are we? I for one wasn't exactly the same. The most remarkable difference with my nineteen-year-old self being that I turned twenty with a beard on my face and a substitute penis in my pants. Now that was strange, even for me. I've always had rather masculine tendencies, but a beard...no, I never went that far. Let alone substitute penises. Yet there I was, comparing the size of my cotton-filled condom with the ones of my fellow drag kings. Yes, they do exist. And unlike drag queens, they take things a bit more seriously. It's more about gender fluidity and the way society forces us into labeled boxes than about flashy dresses and colourful outfits. Not that I have a problem with drag queens, I just feel more at home in the kings' department.

I've always felt lost somewhere between the labels 'boy' and 'girl'. My body was too feminine to allow me to join the first group, yet too masculine to be fully accepted by the second. Throw in some rather masculine behaviour, clothes and music style, mix it with a few feminine vices - alright, I admit, I had a crush on Orlando Bloom when I was 13 - stir, shake, fry and you got yourself a pretty mixed-up entity. I know, all teenagers are mixed-up in a way, yet my mixed-upness continued until...well, now, I guess. I had to dress up like Lady Gaga for a party and stuffed one of my friends' bras so it would look as if I really had boobs. I liked that, in a way. I felt more feminine that night. And the night of my birthday I dressed up like a man. As soon as I saw my beard and learned to walk like a man, I felt like a whole new me. So I guess you could say I feel comfortable both ways. And that is something most people don't understand. Not that I care. At least I'm finally figuring myself out. I'm neither boy nor girl. Or maybe I'm both. Either way I am me. Your everyday mindfuck. And proud to be.

This is Dice, rolling out

Dice roll of the day: 6, 3, 5

Current mood: inspired

It's all about the wordplay

"In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God."

If anywhere, I might as well just start with words. It is impossible to imagine life without words. They help us to express ourselves, they put ideas to paper, they create possibilities, even new realities. A picture might say more than a thousand words, but try picturing a world without words. It's impossible, let me tell you that. Words have a huge impact on our lives. What would the world be without conversations, with nothing but body language to express our thoughts? Of course the true value of words lies beyond this mere practical use. Words have the power to touch our emotions. They can hurt us, they can charm us, they can overwhelm us and confuse us. Words can make us change our minds. Think about Barack Obama, to name just one orator. Even though his ideas are great, he wouldn't have been half this successful if it weren't for his beautiful words. As the ancient Greek rhetoricans already realised: words rule our thoughts and actions, only by using the right words can we rule others. A man using too complicated words might be looked upon as an arrogant bighead, while a person writing a romantic poem might either charm a young lady or be considered to be a suck-up. We judge people by their words and we are fascinated by those who have a way with them. Who hasn't been stirred by a poem or captivated by a novel? A writer or an orator is at all times a magician. He plays with words, trying to find the exact balance and composition to reach this eloquence.

To me, words are like oxygen. If I can't write or read, I might as well be dead. Words are a way of escaping reality and at the same time, they reflect upon this reality. By creating a new world, you automatically compare it to the 'real world'. You change the things you don't like or add some more fantasy and turn it into Utopia. But more than a way of grasping the world, words are a way of grasping yourself. Writing is travelling through your soul, it is discovering who you really are. It is impossible to write a story without putting parts of yourself in the characters. It's funny to realise that, nomatter how different these characters may be, I can always find a piece of me in their description, thoughts or actions. And of course there's also the therapy of words. In my poetry I try to express my innermost feelings and present ideas I dare not show in any other way. But more about my writing and poetry later.

What more is there to say about words? So much more. I could go on forever, but I won't bother you with all my various ideas. I can love a word just for its sound, its shape, its letters, and of course its meaning. Sometimes I love words for no reason at all. And of course I love quotes. I might write about that as well. But I guess I'll just add some quotes along the way.

Before I go I might as well explain two important words, namely 'dice' and 'dreams', the two words forming the title of this blog. I always carry at least one die with me wherever I go, usually I also have a pawn with me. They remind me of my view on life: 'Life's a game, either you're the one getting played or either you're the one rolling the dice...' Part one lets me know that I shouldn't take things too serious and part two tells me how I can live. We usually don't have much impact on the things that happen in our lives. But we can decide to be in control or to be pushed around. We decide how we see this life, no one else can tell us how to react or how to feel. 'It's not the things that happen that make life good or bad, it's the way we handle them.' And I decided I wanted to be in control. If I want to be happy, that's exactly what I'll be. I'm the one rolling the dice. As for the meaning of 'dreams'... I guess that pretty much explains itself. I have many dreams. Most of them are impossible and others are so small people would consider them to be ridiculous. Call me a fool, but I'm a dreamer. I'll probably tell you all about my dreams along the way. For this world needs its dreamers...

I guess these are enough words for today. Let me finish with one of my own quotes (even though some fancy philosopher might have said something alike) I'm planning on using it in one of my next stories.

For you give yourself in words, and in words only do you exist.

This is Dice, rolling out

Dice roll of the day: 7
Current mood: thoughtful